at one point.. you just dont feel like watching movies alone in the cinema anymore..
neither would you want to walk through every place, pass by everything alone..
when you wouldnt even feel excited about.. because you know there is noone next to you to share about..

and then you just so wish you could fall asleep in someone's arms, him kissing your forehead good night.
and then you wake up to someone.. seeing him watch you sleep.
and then you know things will be fine, no matter how bad it is.
because there is this someone whom you share things with, protects you and be by your side.

but then..
you just dont know who that someone is thinking.
you gave in effort.
but all you got is the 'unrequited' one..

so ended up.. you got lost in thinking what exactly yourself want as well..

so.. i used to have a crush on this coll mate..
we are good friends now, miles apart..
he doesnt need to know the past.. hah.

well. that aside.
but right after i finally let go of that strong feeling of mine.. i told myself never to be so silly again.
because the process and progress of developing this kind of 'relationship', tho is sweet..
it's bloody tiring as well.
i have fallen head over heels, quietly for about a year and a half.
and i have taken about half a year to let go.
hah.

and then.. guess what..
right after that.. half a year later (not even a year!)
i have found myself going through the same thing again!
fallen for a guy.. silently.. unknowingly.. (yeah rite.. pretty much whole world knows except for the guy himself XD)
oh gosh.. how silly is this!

but i couldnt help it! (of course i'm going to say this.. what else is there left for me as an excuse rite!)
i fall for his charm, his voice, his height, his words, his smell.. his everything.
i think of him, his shirt colors, his toll pass, his stuff in his car.. his everything.
i wonder of his dogs, his hobby, his favorites.. his every single little thing.
and oh gosh.
this is definitely not good.
because it's been like this for a little more than half a year.
oh gosh.
and the history repeats?!

damn it.
and now dearie friend is asking me to make a move.
what the..
this would definitely be something new to me.. hah.

and the ramblings end for the day

人家说
吃了巧克力人都会变得开心
我今晚吃了好多好多
真的好多，简直是刷了新记录
可是
好像没什么感觉
呵


想太多了
嗯，我的确是想太多了

how do we know that we have fallen in love?
was it a question we are supposed to ask ourselves? do different people have different answers? then how do we know for sure? who can tell me whether i am falling in love, or not. and who am i to tell myself that love has come around? or is it simply just lust? or the fact that i have been longing for one makes myself think that it is love, perhaps.

even i myself aren't so sure that the guy i used to like so much throughout the year last time is the guy i love. like, and love, are supposed to be different, i think. so.. how do i know, whether i like this guy, or i have fallen for him?

in what circumstances do people fall in love for another person? well, i bet the answer can be a very different one to many out there.

so.. am i falling for this guy? or is it that the longing for love makes it feel like i am starting to love someone? or is it the fact that by having this thought right now simply means i am not in love?

one thing i do know. i love having him around, online of course. well, one could argue that you can't possibly to fall in love before meeting someone. but then again, i have so many friends who have fallen in love through this wonderful cyberspace and it actually worked out. another thing i know, is that i care for him, a lot more than i thought it would be. until one point it became freaky! and the other thing i know, i don't even mind that he is perverted (ha. maybe a nicer word would be nicer) and naughty, i actually enjoy having him being just that. and i do know that, i have tried not talking to him over the msn for two days yet looking at his nick all the time, and at last he started a conversation (which to me is a huge relief).

so.. have i really fallen in love for this guy? whom in a way i am still glad he is far away (i couldn't imagine what would happen if he's reachable). or is it the fact that he once said that he has started to like me. or is it that he is the 1st guy who's being naughty and tease about sex topics. or is it the fact that he knows i am just as easy to manipulate around, and he's just playing a fool around.

i don't know. and i don't want to just let my heart tell me. i don't want to make mistakes.
i wish so much, that if this guy is feeling the same way. please, please just let me know you too, feels the same way. so that i don't have to worry and think silly. i feel like such a fool at this moment, a tad pathetic too.

i was unhappy.
i was unhappy of a lot of things. and some include you in it.
you asked me why. why was i unhappy. i couldn't say it out. that i was unhappy about you.
instead, i told you the rest of the things that make me unhappy.
you asked me. did you make me feel like i was being ignored. because you weren't the one who started the conversation all the time.
i felt so stupid. by your question. it made me think. i felt even stupider.
it kinda showed that you care. about how i think of you. but it also shows how stupid i am. continuing to be the first to start a conversation. and yet at the same time you do realise that but never intend to make a change.
it just shows what exactly is in your mind. it shows. it shows it all.
so i supposed that is the answer. to the doubts. to the things i am unhappy about.
thank you. for clearing that up. tho you didn't answer it exactly. but i do get the point.
thank you. for lightening my burden. the answer may not be what i wanted. but i am glad there came an answer.
thank you. for pointing out that we are just friends. just friends.

a space supposingly meant to do some testings here and there. lil did i expect to have something written here.

i was lost. for a moment. then i realised. i saw what was happening. i was angry. yet more disappointed than ever.

perhaps its me being unlucky. or me being stupid and naive.

to have met a person whom i thought would have mutual feelings. and later to have found it wasn't as i thought.
i was glad that i have clear conscious and a lil too ratinal perhaps. ha. thank god.
i have collected bits and pieces, here and there to show that he was just a jerk. playing a fool of me. thank goodness i found out rather early than to be sorry later.
was furious, at myself. for being silly.
was glad, that i have grown so much while experiencing all these.

dearie friend told me. that in this virtual world, things might just look pretty as we want it to be. so true, that it will always be kept in my mind, reminding me to be careful.

well... about the bits and pieces. will definitely have it written down sometime later as a reminder to myself, and also to girls out there.